I have always tried very hard to organise fun activities for Jake - be it on his birthday or otherwise. Since our interests are a little different sometimes, I have also tried my hardest not to avoid things I don't like. My main hold up, as anyone who knows me, knows - is heights. But, I made sure to take Jake to Dreamworld on his first trip up to Queensland. I booked a Q1 climb for him and shook in my boots the entire time.
Despite my best efforts, my anxiety and fear has always cropped up along the way - hotel stays that were a few floors too high, an Eye of Brisbane experience that went downhill very fast, a couple of drives that were insanely steep. The wedding gift we received for the Sydney Sky Tower I had to skip because between the revolving and the height, I was not in a good place. Jake stayed and very happily ate both meals and desserts himself while I found a place to eat closer to the ground.
The level of fear I have about this is illogical. I get that. But I have also never felt so physically & mentally debilitated by anything else like that in my life. I might get a bit of anxiety or get upset here or there about this or that. But heights seem to create a whole body shut down. Aaaannnd, it seems to be getting worse the older I get.
Today is Jake's 33rd Birthday and I decided that since he'd never been to O'Reilly's, he definitely needed to go. He would love the treetop walk, the flying fox, seeing the stunning views and animals. Charli would be just as stoked, I couldn't wait for her to experience the bird feeding.
We hit the road at 8am, the day was absolutely perfect. Not a single cloud in the sky, no wind, delightful temperature in the sun. The drive out was stunning, Charli chatted about going to the "bird island", Jake and I fantasised about having enough money to buy ANY of the gorgeous properties along the way. I had mentioned to Jake that if we got up there and the treetop walk was too high, I'd just chill on the ground while he and Charli went up. I'd been up there before twice. As a kid, which I could barely remember and once about 13 years ago with my boyfriend at the time. I remembered hating the drive, especially the drive back down but I also remember being in a pretty consuming amount of pain on that return drive and also that my boyfriend wasn't exactly the best driver.
So I had no fear, no anxiety about our trip. I was aware that I would probably have moments where I was uncomfortable and anxious but that happens driving to Tamborine Mountain, it happens on the 4th floor of our favourite Sunshine Coast resort.
I was not prepared in any way for the shitshow that was about to unfold.
Once we hit the Vineyards at the base of the mountain, I knew the climb wasn't far. It was beautiful from the start, the initial incline had us looking over immaculate properties - the greenery was stunning - winter rain has been very kind to our often dry and brown countryside. We were about 4 switch-backs up when I felt the first trickle of unease. I shook it off, kept driving, holding my breath when a few cars driven by either very seasoned mountain drivers or bloody morons, forced us toward the edge or to hug the wall. As we got higher the switchbacks got tighter and steeper - the road had more narrow as shit one-way lengths and every time I caught a glimpse of our new elevation I became more and more distressed. At first it was quiet, I'd check with Jake how far we had left to travel & mention my discomfort. I remember trying to laugh it off, saying I might have made an error in choice of activity. After constant narrow, winding roads with sheer drop offs on one side and a wall of rock and earth on the other, I had the thought that sent everything spiralling. My thoughts had been so concentrated on telling myself to: 'just keep driving, take it easy, it didn't matter how fast or slow we went, we would get there eventually and it would be amazing, we would just bask & enjoy, I would get such gorgeous photos up there and it was only just past 9am, we had hours before we had to be at Jaspa's birthday party, we'd come back down around...' and there it was. I could barely feel my body, barely catch my breath driving UP this beast of a mountain. How in the holy hell was I going to drive down, into the sheer drop offs not beside or away from them. In mere seconds, I was in a full-blown panic attack. Sobbing, shaking, heaving, not at all in control of my breathing we continued to inch our way up that mountain at about a rate of about 10 kilometres an hour. Jake, as ever, was patient, reassuring & of course offered to drive either the rest of the way or back down. Whatever I needed. I needed off that mountain. My thoughts began to spiral very quickly: 'What a stupid idea. I didn't think it would be this bad. I brought Charli up here, she's not safe.' I kept repeating these things to Jake between tears, hitched breaths and mini mouth vomits. I manged to gasp out a request for how long we had left to go. 11 kilometers. That was the last straw. We weren't even half way up from the base of the mountain.
Suddenly there was a small plateau where I could pull off. I stumbled out of the car and heaved up the contents of my stomach. Shaking like a leaf with not an iota of logic to spare, I turned to Jake, who had been rubbing my back and told him that I was sorry but I could not go on. I could not drive what I had already driven again at this height and higher. Jake offered to drive again. I love Jake with all my heart and trust him completely. He is also very confident and I knew I would be mortified at the speed in which he would drive either way on this road. I refused and told him the only way I would be getting off this mountain was by walking. He refused and told me that was too dangerous, he wouldn't let me do that - the road was so narrow, I'd be hit by a car. I started to feel not only overcome with fear and anxiety but also trapped and unheard. With that, a screaming match ensued. In that serene little spot Jake and my shouts echoed out as we faced off over a pile of fresh vomit. Finally, angry and frustrated, Jake gave in. He turned the car around and drove back down while I started walking. I was a good kilometer in when I started to calm down. I realised I had to pee pretty bad and remembered there was a nursery on one of the turns, I'd stop there. I rang my Mum - I just wanted to talk while I walked, I cried as I told her what had happened - that I was fine but I wasn't able to get back in the car. That I was upset I'd ruined Jake's birthday trip. Logic slowly returned as I walked. I thanked goodness it wasn't summer as I stepped through shin-high grasses that could have easily been a snake pit. I listened for cars, jogged around blind corners and down narrow strips to stay out of the way of the cars coming up and down. 3 lovely people stopped and checked to see if I was okay. I smiled, thanked them and said I was fine with puffy eyes that I'm sure gave me away. The need to pee became more urgent, the nursery was a hell of a lot further away than I'd thought. Mum convinced me on one of our many calls to get Jake turn back and pick me up. I reminded her that there was not a lot of places to turn around and although I wished I had just got in the car and gotten out of there so we could have continued our day elsewhere, I wasn't sure I could convince myself to get past my mental and physical reaction to the situation. Eventually I was starting to become level with the mountains around the one I was on. I jogged here, thanked a concerned passer by there, talked to Mum some more and suddenly I was well below the height of the surrounding mountains and thought I could probably do the car the rest of the way. Jake, who had been fretting at the bottom of the mountain, all anger gone and nothing but concern for my safety in mind, came straight away. We managed to meet on a hairpin with a space for Jake to turn around. I was thankful but just as terrified as I'd expected to be and Jake was just as chill and confident as I'd imagined going down that road. I had to tell him to slow down many times as I clutched my seat and door handle, my heart in my throat. We passed the nursery as we went down.
Clear of the mountain. Jake was completely unfazed by the events, only thanking me for the entertainment. I was still mortified - by the experience and the way I felt but also be cause it felt like I'd ruined and wasted not only a day out together, but Jake's birthday. Charli was upset that I'd been upset and considering that by this point she'd been in the car over 3 hours, she was otherwise very chill and well behaved. We tried to find another venue for our day out - it's the last day of school holidays and every man, woman, feral child and their dog were apparently spending the day out in the Gold Coast Hinterland. Alpaca Farm, couldn't get a park. Canungra, couldn't find the markets. The Outpost Cafe, teeming with people. Rivermill Cafe, also teeming but at this point the toilet issue needed to be addressed. The menu there left a lot to be desired, the pony rides were just finishing up, there was no access the deer enclosure because it was a mud pit from all the rain. Even the turtles in the river were hiding. We assumed Tamborine would be just as busy so we opted to just head home - back to somewhere not so fancy but reliable with good food.
If you've ever had a panic attack you'll know that it can take a long time to come completely right. So this entire time I am still sporadically crying, shaking & having to calm myself with deep breathing. The anger hit as we got on the highway. I was furious with myself that I hadn't just kept going. That not only did Jake and Charli miss out on an awesome experience, so did I. That Jake's birthday had become nothing but a long arse drive. I was angry that I'd let my anxiety get the better of me & hadn't been able to calm myself down. At the same time I knew there wasn't a force on earth that could have gotten me back into that car on that plateau. I was still pissed.
Once we finally sat down to eat, we talked about what had happend. Jake commented that I'd actually made it pretty damn far back down on foot. My maps app had kept the location of where the car had stopped and from there we were able to pinpoint where Jake picked me up - I had made it 6 out of 9 kilometers back down. Looking at the map prompted me to see what would have been ahead had we just continued on, which brought me very quickly to the funny side of the situation.... But for one more turn, the rest of the drive was pretty well as straight shot through. I actually could not stop laughing at the ridiculousness of that.
As always, Charli's questions come after she has processed for a few hours and they came through thick and fast. Why had I been so upset? Why was I so scared? Wasn't there a way to make the mountain come down or maybe if I wore high heels and was taller, I wouldn't be so scared of heights? Then she started with - "It was scary driving up there" to which I replied: "It was a little bit scary but Mummy needed to be a little more brave." And so, because my 4 year old is watching me deal with fear, I will be again driving up that mountain in the not too distant future. Whether I be the driver myself or blindfolded, drugged, laying down in the back seat or if I can somehow convince my very busy brother to come along and drive; I am getting to the top of that fucking mountain.
Thanks to my Mum for taking my call and calling back as I stubbornly trudged my arse down that mountain.
Thanks to my bestie for genuinely laughing instead of judging when I told her what had happened, who told me we'd find a way to get me up there and shared that she also had fears that she sometimes found hard to manage.
But mostly thanks to my amazing Husband who was patient, thoughtful and still super happy with his shitstorm of a birthday.
