Another New Year approaches. Mostly I've seen "Woohoo, 2021! Seeya later 2020" but I've also seen "No one should get their hopes up, 2021 is just going to be 2020's sequel."
Honestly, after a year that was dominated by a global pandemic, Trump running the most powerful country in the world, and the train-wreck that was Tiger King - I'm inclined to agree with both. Thank fuck that's over, but also - where are we headed?
Short answer is - we control that.
I don't think I realised what an insane year our little trio has had until today. I wanted to make a little "2020" photo album for Facebook, and going through the photos was mind-blowing. "That was this year!?"
For us, 2020 started with some shattered relationships that were barely holding form.
We booked our first overseas trip as a family - to New Zealand in August.
Charli began swimming and dancing lessons, an exciting prospect for both her and us as parents, watching her grow and enjoy.
Half of Australia was on fire and our for-shit Prime Minister needed a good clip around the ear.
We spent most of our weekends helping my brother renovate his new house.
By February Covid was hitting the news and we were wary.
Family members left for New Zealand and America.
Shit hit the fan in March, starting with a trip to hospital for Charli which resulted in a foreign object being roughly gouged from her ear, kicking off an anxiety of medical offices for the poor kid (came in to play for the remainder of the year).
Relatives came to visit which was an experience in itself, leaving Jake & myself fuming for a good time afterward.
Charli got a rash that lasted days and resulted in another hospital trip. After being such an anti-phenergan Mum, I found myself wondering where the fuck it had been all my life as my child slept soundly and didn't scratch an inch of skin overnight.
By this time Covid was well and truly knocking Australia around - borders were closing, toilet paper was non-existent, the Karen's were out in force. Char had been diagnosed with a small heart defect mid 2019 and I was not quite a year post open heart surgery myself, which gave us pause and ended in the decision to self-isolate with just Jake attending work and the grocery store. Charli and I didn't leave the house (apart from walking around the block) for 57 days. It was great and horrible all at the same time - I had plenty of time to enjoy being with Charli - I also had zero space, which I crave. We lost touch with friends simply because we couldn't see them. We got closer to others - because the time and space to call them was there.
We bought a puppy. A Great Dane x Australian Cattle Dog. We have been repairing destruction to out back yard ever since
Charli had her echocardiogram follow-up and was cleared. Her heart had outgrown the defect which there was a 50% chance of. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a relief that was. This was the cue to head back out into the world. Covid numbers were going down and the Queensland Premier (who I think is a bit of a champ), was setting tough restrictions; So we felt a little more comfortable on the whole.
Jake decided he would like to try for another baby. I agreed and so our IVF journey began. After one round we had only one egg, which successfully transferred. We fell pregnant and just as with Charli the signs came though hella early. We then miscarried and my body did not respond well - I bled for 23 days. The hormones and general shittiness of the situation carried on making hell for my health for a good long while after.
A childhood friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and although it wasn't mine to carry something about one of the brightest lights from my life being diagnosed, having to go through the chemotherapy and not knowing how that would all turn out, hit me square in the guts. I should've known better. Bad bitch that she is she has overcome chemo, allergies to chemo, a double mastectomy and is currently on the arse end of radiation, cruising through like a boss.
My sister & niece returned from the US (a relief as we watched Covid grow over there and the BLM riots going off). They stayed with us for 6 weeks. It was a fun experience, some deep chats were had, board & card games played, and there was the general excitement of Charli who was happy to have more than boring old Jake and I in the house. Home felt a little bit empty for a while when they moved to their own place.
Charli participated in her first MS Read-a-thon which is something we will now do each year.
I had surgery on my toe (do not recommend) and had a very thorough breast examination done after the reappearance of a very large lump. Thankfully it is just hormonal and was likely a result of the IVF drugs.
Spunky Husband bought a new car which he can actually sit in without having to hunch. It's a sexy beast, diesel, too big for the garage. Adieu to the Yaris that was literally falling apart. (The clutch had gone the week before).
November seen the remnants of one those shaky relationships from the start of the year begin to crumble and become more and more difficult. I took some leave from work to get my head on straight.
Jake and I concentrated on the house - getting some small projects finished, doing a deep clean and getting everything nice for Christmas.
The last of the family members that were overseas made it home safe & something about that made a distant part of me feel a little more right.
December feels like its very own year. Nelson turned 8. My best mate is getting older and although he is healthy and happy (other than when Reggie is annoying the shit out of him), I know he's starting to slow down and that his years are getting shorter.
That crumbling relationship fell completely to pieces and I followed suit.
Our little trio went up the coast for a week - our first proper solo holiday as a family (since we had to cancel our NZ trip - cheers Covid.) It was lovely - sunshine, no commitments, friends visiting. It was also one of the worst emotional and mental weeks I have had in the past decade and I was not in a good place for majority of it. I read Matt Haig's ' The Midnight Library', which I had been saving for the occasion. I loved it. For those who have read it though you will understand when I say I was at a point where Nora's character resonated a little too deeply with me at that moment and I could barely breathe for those first chapters.
We came home from the coast and I celebrated my 30th birthday feeling the loneliest I think I have ever felt in my life. A birthday I had been looking forward to for such a long time.
Christmas came and went, we tried to enjoy it as a trio and we kinda did. But it wasn't right. The relationship break-down was too close to the event for us to attend without lots of tension. So we stayed away and it was certainly the worst Christmas I've ever had and something I hope we don't have to do every year.
And here we are, the last day of the year. Now, after such a massive dip, I feel mentally & emotionally probably stronger than I have ever felt before. Charli is excited as can be about tomorrow for our traditional New Years Day Beach Trip! Jake is, as always, simply happy he doesn't have to work tomorrow.
There's a lot there. It was a HUGE year. But before I looked at the photos this morning, that wasn't what was sitting with me.
We lost no one. Everyone we are close to is still alive and in good health.
My cousin, after a horrible couple of years medically, is back to life as normal.
My heart is back to it's normal size, which the doctors told me it probably never would be.
Charli's heart is has also gone completely normal and she doesn't face any surgeries for defects.
My little cousin got married and she looked so beautiful and happy.
Multiple friends got engaged, married and had babies. So much love to see on social media.
Charli sung the Frozen lullaby to put Nelson to sleep.
I started collecting breadtags for an charity that makes wheelchairs for South African people who can't afford them. So many people got on the bandwagon and are still on, handing in their tags whenever they can.
When Charli and I were both sick earlier in the year, my girlfriend and her boys dropped in a care packages of yummy food and fun activities.
In the height of self isolation, talking movies with a very old work friend who needs so much education on the subject.
The cleaning lady at my work caught me having a cry in the tea room before work started. She gave me a hug at the time and bought a box of chocolates to my desk later that day.
Reggie. Reggie is an arsehole and I love him to absolute bits. Despite eating my plants, destroying the electrical wiring and sprinkler system in the garden, destroying the veggie patch, pulling the wiring out of the air conditioning unit, chewing on the outdoor table, etc, etc. He is actually the sweetest pup in the world and I have to make myself remember he is only 9 months old despite his size.
Charli overcoming many, many fears - swings, swimming, bugs, doctors (after the ear thing.)
My sister in law giving Charli hugs and stickers at the hospital after said ear episode.
Having a giggle with my eldest sister when she told me about catching her almost teenage sons talking smack about her in the car.
The music, shows and movies that made me laugh, cry & feel. I'll make a list. Trust me.
My second eldest sister for being the one I call when I need an ear.
The work mates that you see walk in and think "thank christ they're here today."
My third eldest sister for being the one I call when we are in a spot. Who has Charli when I'm in the hospital (multiple times now).
Watching the Mum in the car behind me at KFC realise I'd paid for her family's meal and losing her shit with excitement.
To my childhood friend for dropping by not only for a chat when I wasn't in a good place but bearing gifts of crystals and plants as well as a happy meal for Charli.
The multiple stangers and celebrities on Instagram that light up my feed with their inspiration, funny moments & day-to-day life. I've got a list guys, I'll add them to my post.
The one lovely stanger on instagram who shares the same name, I met during IVF who, after miscarrying, I wished all of my baby dust to. She is now expecting a baby in August.
Where the Crawdads Sing. The Six of Crows duology,,. And many other books but these stood out for me and have a little bit of my heart.
Re-connecting with my niece who is now old enough to have social media.
Nelson, for knowing when I'm down or anxious and pawing at me until he finally settles down with (usually on) me.
My big brothers hugs whenever we leave his house after a big day of work. He always means the hugs he gives and you can feel it.
I fell in love with Camomile Tea and started collection funny mugs (mostly with expletives).
My family playing spoons at a family get-together this year. There was so much laughter.
Being organised and making Charli's Easter Bonnet Parade hat long before Covid hit and the parade never happening... She wore that thing around the house for months.
Eating too much food and rolling ourselves around Mount Tamorine on a family day out with Charli in the back of the car looking for "The Elephant to begin the climb" because she had just watched Jumanji the day before.
The giant grasshopper debacle where I would not get Charli or I out of the car until Jake got home from work and shooed it away. The prick then stalked the front of the house for hours.
Making Apple Pie from scratch. Never gets old.
At Halloween enjoying seeing a friend who had a hard year be back to themselves and genuinely happy for the first time in so long.
Being thought of by so many people for hand-me-downs for Charli. Appreciated, every single time.
My new tatt which I was worried about getting in such an obvious place that I am absolutely in love with.
The girls group chat I have with 2 other book loving Mummas that often gives me such a laugh.
Charli's reaction to - everything. She is full of joy and I hope that stays true for as long as possible.
A friend who Charli calls Uncle for being the most thoughtful prick in the world.
Charli singing. I can't even put into words the feeling in my gut and heart when she breaks out in song with such zeal.
But mostly what stuck with me was Jake. My Husband who through every single thing that I've loved, hated, laughed at or cried through has been there. Steadfast. Unwavering. Completely immovable. The expression "My Rock" has never made so much sense.
I suppose my whole point is I'm grateful. For the small and the big things. That I don't really see the world in terms of a pandemic or a shit president. That despite the many overwhelming things we had happening this year, our world, my world is made up of all these amazing moments, memories & people who make it worthwhile, happy & special. So let 2021 bring what it's gonna bring and make it the year you want it to be. x
